Saturday, March 14, 2009


So yesterday afternoon I had a total mental breakdown while I was in the shower.

Then I went to my bedroom and laid down on my bed naked, for a long time.

Then I got up and did a load of laundry, because I hadnt washed any of MY clothes in almost three weeks.

I did a load of my laundry because I decided that I would be much more comfortable in the mental hospital if I had a bag of freshly washed clothes with me.

All of this is true and yes, I was 100% convinced that I would be admitted to the mental hospital before night fall last night.

Somehow I wasnt.

I just felt the need to say that. Here. Now.

I dont know why.

Good thing I still have some clean clothes.

Just. In. Case.


Blogger Jenny, the Bloggess said...

I've been there...more than once. That line between stable and utterly flailing is so thin. Things will get better. I promise.

March 14, 2009 at 7:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, at least you're showered and have clean clothes. I can't even be bothered to get out of bed. It will get better though, sometimes things have to get dark so we appreciate the light when we see it again.

March 14, 2009 at 7:22 PM  
Blogger ~conqueror said...

I've been there too. It does get better. I don't know if this will help you, but it helped me when someone said "it's ok to be a little bit selfish right now." So be a little selfish and take care of yourself.

March 14, 2009 at 7:23 PM  
Blogger Andrea's Sweet Life said...

It's a lonely road to walk alone, and I say that with utter sincerity, having been there myself. Get thee to some help, and I hope things are looking up soon!

In the meantime, clean clothes are awesome!

March 14, 2009 at 7:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been in that place, and it's not fun. In my case, I didn't even have the energy/mental clarity to think about clean clothes. That 10 days on the psych ward helped a lot, though.

Sending you my thoughts and prayers (if you believe) and some virtual hugs. As Jenny said, it does get better. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

March 14, 2009 at 7:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hang it there. I've been where you are and I've found the moments of despair that come are just that. Moments. Like the conqueror said, it's ok to be selfish some of the time. Take care!

March 14, 2009 at 7:29 PM  
Blogger Ian.Bailey said...

None of this is mad, just human.

March 14, 2009 at 7:30 PM  
Blogger Perksofbeingme said...

I've been there. I'm sending you warm thoughts. Love you and I believe that everything will be ok. Even if you don't. Just believe that I believe. For now, that's good enough.

March 14, 2009 at 7:31 PM  
Blogger Lu said...

I felt that way today. I'm glad you made it through! @LovelyLu

March 14, 2009 at 7:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It does get better. Jenny told me so. (Just kidding. I know it from person experience. Been there multiple times.)

Ask your doc about Pristiq. It has done miracles for me.

Lots of hugs to you.

March 14, 2009 at 7:34 PM  
Blogger Veronica said...


March 14, 2009 at 7:38 PM  
Blogger negar said...

Thank you for speaking your experience. As you share we grow. And as you nurture yourself, you nurture us all. In this one post you taught me a million things about pain, about honesty, about passion, about having heart and about compassion.

You also taught me to keep at least one bottle of detergent and sweet smelling fabric softener in the house, always, just in case.

You're magnificient. Know that.

March 14, 2009 at 7:39 PM  
Blogger TMC said...

Your 'just in case' tells me you're more in control than you think. A positive sign.
Hang in there.

March 14, 2009 at 7:39 PM  
Blogger CrazyOnYou said...

You know, it always pissed me off when people told me it was gonna get better. It hurt right then goddammit... Sometimes all I could believe in was taking one more breath. Then another. I went through days and weeks on autopilot, just surviving.

Nobody can feel your pain, but a lot of us can relate to it. We've been there and made it through the other side, mostly okay.

My path always took me through anger. I knew when I started getting angry about the depression that I was healing. Your path may go a different way. Just know that you have a path and that there is a way to walk it out of the valley.

Take care and remember that you're not alone...

March 14, 2009 at 7:40 PM  
Blogger Sarcastic Mom (aka Lotus) said...

Oh, Madness. You're always so sweet to me. Please be so kind to yourself and take it ever so easy until the sun rises for you again.

March 14, 2009 at 7:57 PM  
Blogger amy turn sharp of doobleh-vay said...

go to any place that feels better. Find that one person who you can call. sleep. xo

March 14, 2009 at 7:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As crazyonyou said, you're not alone. And you were up and clean, which can be a major acomplishment some days.

There's a whole big world out there when you're ready for it, but it'll wait a bit if you need time!

March 14, 2009 at 8:00 PM  
Blogger rocyn said...

Been there. Voluntarily went to psych ward. Survived.

Talk if you can. Post if you can. Reach out. You are not alone.

March 14, 2009 at 8:28 PM  
Blogger Jennifer H said...

I've been there, if it helps to hear that. A long time ago, and as recently as today. Be as good to yourself as you can.

I've found that a shower and clean clothes go a lot further than one might think. I hope someone is looking out for you. Sounds like you have many friends here. Hang in there.

March 14, 2009 at 8:32 PM  
Blogger gcotharn said...

I'm praying for you, whether or not you believe! And, maybe you could use a chuckle:

Horse walks into a bar.
Bartender says: "Why the long face?"

March 14, 2009 at 9:03 PM  
Blogger Tracy Lynn said...

You don't want to check yourself into the mental ward. They made me paint rugs and wouldn't let me smoke. It was not like a spa AT ALL. Plus, no coffee.

March 14, 2009 at 9:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It creeps me out far more to feel that way during the day than at night.

The fear is getting caught having a crazy moment by a stranger. Yeah, I know, I don't have to answer the door but they'll know I'm in here and that will just make it worse.

March 14, 2009 at 9:27 PM  
Blogger Hope said...

I haven't gotten out of my pajamas today and I may not tomorrow. You aren't alone, hon.

March 14, 2009 at 9:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here via TheBloggess. I'm so sorry you're going through a rough time, I've been there more than once so I know how un-fun it is.

I like to tell myself that clothes and "normal" behavior are highly overrated by most people. Also there's no reason to get dressed if all you're gonna do is hang out around the house, because washing and wearing your clothes puts wear and tear on them. So if you think about it, you're not lazy, you're keeping your clothes nice.

Have you been to a mental hospital before? The idea freaks a lot of people out but they can be pretty cool depending on which one you go to. My favorite part was that they fielded all phone calls and wouldn't allow anyone to even know I was in there unless I said it was okay. It would have been the best vacation ever if I hadn't been suicidally depressed. Too bad they won't let you go when you're fine.

-filthytombstone (Nep)

March 14, 2009 at 11:23 PM  
Blogger harlequinade said...

I'm here through The Bloggess too. I've also been there - from not wanting to get out of bed, not washing clothes, not opening the door.

And we all can feel where you are, but where you are is yours. And that's how I moved from mine.

Day by day and remembering that it's your feeling. You own it. You can look it, let it go though you - but it doesn't own you.

And though on days it's really hard to see that - on the days it's not, you can box it up and take control of it

March 15, 2009 at 6:17 AM  
Blogger Madness said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

March 15, 2009 at 6:37 AM  
Blogger Madness said...

Jenny, the Bloggess – The line IS so thin .. yet the choke hold so strong. You say things will get better and I believe you because you are The Bloggess. (and I worship you)
Maggiemaeul – It was the first time I had showered since Sunday and I only did it because my armpits smelled like onions. (im kidding) … (no Im not)
Conqueror – selfish. Can do.
Andrea – Clean clothes never stay clean. Can I get some help with that?
Silverstar – 10 days huh? Impressive!
Jaysquared – Yeah, the moments of despair are just moments .. especially when youre consolation prize is rapid cycle mania.
Ian.Baily – SSHHHH .. that totally wont help me get SSI.
Perksofbeingme -  Thank you. Warmer please, though.
Lu – Im glad you made it through too!
Dad2boy – I believe anything Jenny says. She is so wise. Im gonna Google Pristiq because my doctor has NOTHING on Google.
Veronica – back atcha biatch. (not to be confused with bitch, which might be offensive to some)
Negar – you just confirmed that I am .. indeed .. a SuperStar.
TMC – See above comment to Ian.Baily
CrazyOnYou – I know exactly what you mean .. there are times when I am 100% positive that by the time I take my next step I will have taken my last breath.
Lotus – I’ve cried with you more times than you’ll know. I have yet to find words for you as graceful as those you’ve given me. Thanks for making me feel like a total asshole. (god bless the sarcastic mind) (ps. Did you know that you are one of my top TWO favorite blogs?! .. so yeah .. having you comment on my blog is like having Britney Spears talk to ME in that strange British accent. This totally rocks)
Amy turn sharp of doobleh-vay -- I choose sleep because booze is costing too much.
Cecimeanspeas – funny you say “theres a whole big world out there” because as I was melting down in the shower .. I was looking at the shower curtain and all I could think was “I CANT GO OUT THERE!”
Rocyn – did they have good food?
Jennifer H – I don’t really have a lot of friends on the internet. I just happened to post this on The Bloggess’ comment page because 1) it was a true story and 2) since I was feeling better (read: manic) I decided I would give Jenny something to laugh at. Jenny has a heart, apparently, and twittered it to the world. For this I will always love Jenny (well, for this and the fact that she is one notch crazier than I am which makes life worth living)
Gcotharn – thank you, and I do. I wanted to send you a little chuckle back .. but I’ve got nothing.
Tracy Lynn – Sister Mercy! You checked into the WRONG psych ward!
Luna – I prefer to have crazy moments during the day. Preferably in public. When Im manic I think that being Mad is crazywackycool. This right here proves I really am nuts but it also proves I have the Britney Spears coolness factor.
Hope – No need to get out of your jammies until your armpits smell like onions.
Back-in-black – Im lazy, We can keep it real. Have I been in a mental hospital before? Yes. Will I again? Im sure.
Harlequinade – my crazy is so much more fun than your crazy. (thank you for the words of encouragement .. sincerely.)

March 15, 2009 at 6:39 AM  
Blogger Mr Farty said...

Here from Jenny. Yes, it does get better. Just don't expect it to happen overnight, but it will happen. x

March 15, 2009 at 3:28 PM  
Blogger Nena said...

I'm with you.

The other commenters have convinced me that it will get better. I'm going with that.

Hang in there. We'll either feel better soon, or take everyone out with us. Either way, everyone wins.

March 22, 2009 at 7:19 PM  

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