Monday, December 13, 2010

Dont Doubt

Ive been sitting here staring off into space trying to figure out how Im going to tell this story. Where do I start? What do I tell? Who do I protect? Then I raised my hands to the keyboard and I remember. This is my story to tell. This is what happened .. to me. Its mine. For all its worth and for all it isnt, its mine. Im not going to edit or censor or protect .. anyone.

I talked to my brother tonight. Well, we IM'd on Facebook. But it was the most communication we have had in almost 20 years. For more years than I want to admit there was nothing at all, for whatever reason. Reasons. Plenty of reasons. Then there was the occasional email here and there ... the throwing of the bone. The emotional highs and lows of "OMG He's here! He's in my INBOX again!" .. and then he's gone. But the weather is nice in DC. At least I got the weather.

So many times I told myself I had to let him go. I had to succumb to the reality that I had burned that bridge long ago and I had to accept that he didnt want me around, either. I couldnt be mad at him for it. I couldnt blame him for it. And I didnt. I knew what I had done and I deserved what I got. Even as bad as it hurt, I knew I deserved it and I didnt blame him for it. I still loved him and I always would. He saved my life ... and I turned and ran out on his.

What he and I went through together was horrible. A nightmare. Made even worse by the fact that we were babies! Children! Little kids! My brother was 6 years old, I was barely 3 and he was taking care of me because our parents wouldnt. Not that they couldnt, they would prove in the years to come that they could care for children, they just wouldnt. Not us, anyway.

I am a chronic thrower awayer. Deal with that. I live my life with my shoes on and my bags packed. I am going to walk out on you. I am going to cut you out of my life and throw you away and I will forget about you before you even realize what Ive done. Its what I do. Its what was done to me and its all I know.

Until tonight I believed this was just another of my many many character flaws and I was ashamed. I knew that I had hurt a lot of people along the way. I knew that. I knew that I let people take care of me and care about me and love me and then I walked out on them and never turned back. Sometimes I slipped out in the middle of the night. Sometimes I burst out the front door screaming and crying. Sometimes I smiled at them and told them I would be right back. Everytime ... I ran. I left. I bolted. I never went back.

People dont act like that. People dont do that. What the hell is wrong with me? What the hell makes me so damn special Italicthat I can just toss people aside and walk away like that? How dare I take advantage of the kindness and goodness of all these people who loved me and cared about me and did everything they could to try to save me!?

I am not heartless. (Really, Im not. I dont care what they say, Im not). I have a HUGE heart. I am kind and caring and compassionate and considerate and I would do anything for anyone. Im not heartless. I am ... broken. And now I know that Im not the only one. I cant believe that after all this time and after all these years I am just now .. today .. tonight .. finding out that I am not the only one ... and I am not the one to blame.

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