gettin my shit together

i know ya'll .. you dont have to tell me .. my new blog is sucking major ass .. thats because Im in kind of a major funk right now.
Never fear ya'll .. I'll get my shit together and be back in all my crazy whacked out glory ..

hearthealthy

..because Im 32 with just about ev-ar-ay risk factor known to man for heart disease .. including strong family history with the females on my mothers side .. yeah ..
Starting next week, Madness is going MadHeartHealthy .. stay tuned, and play along?

.. because I need to start my day being told Im despicable ..

Dear Samantha,

Here is your AstroSlam for Monday, March 23:

For someone whose scale is constantly swaying, it's a surprisingly thin line between generosity and stinginess. Even when you're being nice, your inherent greed is finding a way to benefit. Despicable.

Even when you're being nice, your inherent greed is finding a way to benefit.

But you said "inherent" .. INHERENT .. and youre holding that against me?

IN-HAIR-ANT.

Whatever.

Hello, 1994?

Hello, 1994?

Yeah .. remember, we broke up. It is over. You were 365 of the best days of my life. You gave me my first born child, for which I will always love you.
You and I will always share an unbreakable bond, I dont deny that.
But, 1994, you're so ... so ... 1994! Youre never going to change, youre never going to move on! You will always be .. 1994.
Ive moved on. Im a totally different person now. I am older and wiser and fatter ...

*****************************************************
Ha! Look at that. I confess that Im 15 years fatter and 1994 cuts and runs. Typical.

Yes Internets .. it was 1994 around here again this weekend. What happened? No Internet, thats what happened. I am seriously traumatized. I lived 1994 once already; before internet, before FaceBook and MySpace ... before Bossy and Dooce and TheBloggess .. before I knew there were other SarcasticMoms out there like me. Me and 1994, we were cool .. but I moved on and 1994 didnt.

This happened once before .. only this time I dont have Lotus to blame .. but if I could figure out a way to blame her, I totally would.

i couldnt make this shit up

todays horoscope from some place that sends it to me in email .. because they care.

Dear Samantha,

Here is your AstroSlam for Friday, March 20:

That little voice in your head is doing nothing for you ... all day it's just nag, nag, nag! You're completely insane. You have voices in your head! Check into a psyche ward before you're overwhelmed.

You.Dont.Say.

Hey Sushi !

Ive had "real" sushi .. once. And by "real" I mean from a fancy schmancy hoity toity sushi place. I tried, I mean I tried SO HARD and yet I still managed to gag at every bite.

I wanted to love it, I wanted SO BADLY to love it. My problem was either a) its RAW FISH or b) the gallons and gallons of Jack Daniels I drank the night before still fucking with me.

We'll let Jesus decide.

-photo courtesy of B.Kicklighter, babymaker extraordinaire. Titled Birthday Dinner and teaching the boy some culture.

i can has cheezburger?

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

http://icanhascheezburger.com/

I hate .. I mean I HATE these stupid cat stupid things! (stupid) .. but this one .. awesome.

you know what i mean?

Im pretty sure I suffer from Elementary School Drop Off Line ROAD RAGE.

Picture Day

Today is picture day for my youngest daughter, shes in first grade. Everyone say "Hi, Devyn". Yes her hair is still wet and yes it was dry before she got on the bus and no its not that cold outside today and yes I think she's pretty neat.

Whats this photo got to do with Picture Day? Nothing. But is was taken at a school .. a University to be exact. Thats my foot at the end of my leg.
Whats the point? Well .. I took this photo the day I enrolled myself in the University again. So that alone is some pretty exciting shit, no?
Also, I wanted to be very Bossyish and take pictures of the lady who was preparing my transcript but I realized that I couldnt sit there and pretend to be trying to figure out my camera, like Bossy does, because I drive a point and shoot Kodak EasyShare and not some fancy schmancy Cannon or whateverthehell like Bossy does.
So I took this picture instead because Are my shoes ugly? Do they make me look like a lesbian? (thats a PINK Nike swoosh, thankyouverymuchoveropinionatedbutthead)

because this means more than what i just spewed

Every 42 seconds, someone attempts suicide in the United States, Every 86 seconds, an individual calls the National Hopeline Network 1-800-SUICIDE.
Last year we experienced a 30% increase in calls due to the economic recession. This St. Paddy's Day if you plan to buy a round of drinks we ask you to skip one round of drinks to help us support the network and the people who are losing their jobs, homes and are desperate for support. $10 will help us connect 30 people to resources that will help them get housing, medical help, mental health and addictions services, food and other support. The Kristin Brooks Hope Center founded the National Hopeline Network, toll-free private confidential suicide prevention crisis lines. The National Hopeline Network is a private non-profit and receives no government support. We are available to the public 24/7 solely through the support of the general public - you
1-800-SUICIDE is listed in almost every phone directory in the US and receives up to 2,000 calls a day from individuals in crisis.
1-800-SUICIDA - One out of every seven Latina women will attempt suicide. The economic downturn has greatly increased the number of calls to 800-SUICIDA from citizens isolated from their families, unable to support their families, unable to find any one to help.
1-877-YOUTHLINE - Suicide is the second leading cause of death for youths 16-24. The Youthline connects callers to trained peer counselors who understand and have experienced physical and sexual abuse, self-injury, sexual identity issues, have been bullied, experienced a breakup, are victims of divorce, feel like they have already failed at their life.
1-800-PPD-MOMS - This crisis line connects women with other Mothers and women who have experienced post-partum depression. PPD indiscriminately affects all races, socio-economic levels. It impacts women with healthy babies in loving families, as well as single mothers on their own, it also can impact women who have terminated their pregnancies. Callers receive help and hope from trained women. No callers are judged, they are only offered support and referrals.
1-877-VET 2 VET - Currently, combined suicides in our armed forces is exceeding the number of monthly deaths of servicemen and women serving in Iraq. Vet 2 Vet connects members of the armed forces and their families to trained crisis line workers when peer support who understand the complications of post traumatic stress disorder, being physically injured, as well as being deployed for extended periods away from families and loved ones are not available.
With your help, when an individual calls one of the lines of the National Hopeline Network, it will be answered. $10 will connect 30 people to help and hope, please help us pay our phone bill.

***I had an actual blog post written out .. then I noticed a new message in my email .. this was that message and I decided that this message was far more important that mine***

because the love overwhelmed me

Jenny, the Bloggess – The line IS so thin .. yet the choke hold so strong. You say things will get better and I believe you because you are The Bloggess. (and I worship you)

Maggiemaeul – It was the first time I had showered since Sunday and I only did it because my armpits smelled like onions. (im kidding) … (no Im not)

Conqueror – selfish. Can do.

Andrea – Clean clothes never stay clean. Can I get some help with that?

Silverstar – 10 days huh? Impressive!

Jaysquared – Yeah, the moments of despair are just moments .. especially when youre consolation prize is rapid cycle mania.

Ian.Baily – SSHHHH .. that totally wont help me get SSI.

Thank you.JPerksofbeingme - Warmer please, though.

Lu – Im glad you made it through too!

Dad2boy – I believe anything Jenny says. She is so wise. Im gonna Google Pristiq because my doctor has NOTHING on Google.

Veronica – back atcha biatch. (not to be confused with bitch, which might be offensive to some)

Negar – you just confirmed that I am .. indeed .. a SuperStar.

TMC – See above comment to Ian.Baily

CrazyOnYou – I know exactly what you mean .. there are times when I am 100% positive that by the time I take my next step I will have taken my last breath.

Lotus – I’ve cried with you more times than you’ll know. I have yet to find words for you as graceful as those you’ve given me. Thanks for making me feel like a total asshole. (god bless the sarcastic mind) (ps. Did you know that you are one of my top TWO favorite blogs?! .. so yeah .. having you comment on my blog is like having Britney Spears talk to ME in that strange British accent. This totally rocks)

Amy turn sharp of doobleh-vay -- I choose sleep because booze is costing too much.

Cecimeanspeas – funny you say “theres a whole big world out there” because as I was melting down in the shower .. I was looking at the shower curtain and all I could think was “I CANT GO OUT THERE!”

Rocyn – did they have good food?

Jennifer H – I don’t really have a lot of friends on the internet. I just happened to post this on The Bloggess’ comment page because 1) it was a true story and 2) since I was feeling better (read: manic) I decided I would give Jenny something to laugh at. Jenny has a heart, apparently, and twittered it to the world. For this I will always love Jenny (well, for this and the fact that she is one notch crazier than I am which makes life worth living)

Gcotharn – thank you, and I do. I wanted to send you a little chuckle back .. but I’ve got nothing.

Tracy Lynn – Sister Mercy! You checked into the WRONG psych ward!

Luna – I prefer to have crazy moments during the day. Preferably in public. When Im manic I think that being Mad is crazywackycool. This right here proves I really am nuts but it also proves I have the Britney Spears coolness factor.

Hope – No need to get out of your jammies until your armpits smell like onions.

Back-in-black – Im lazy, We can keep it real. Have I been in a mental hospital before? Yes. Will I again? Im sure.

Harlequinade – my crazy is so much more fun than your crazy. (thank you for the words of encouragement .. sincerely.)

I hope ya'll continue to come back .. even though the pressure is now totally on. I stopped writing at my old blog because, while what I said there was original and real and ME .. I felt like I had created a place where I wasnt totally comfortable putting ALL of me out there.
Thats why I created this place. I hope you'll stick with me while I grease the gears and get things going.

In the mean time .. feel free to take a look at the archives .. for shits and giggles if for nothing else. (some of you may note that there are large chunks of posts missing from these archives and you would be correct. That would be on account of mass quantities of vodka and very little if not ZERO prescription medication. Eh.)

Just.In.Case

So yesterday afternoon I had a total mental breakdown while I was in the shower.

Then I went to my bedroom and laid down on my bed naked, for a long time.

Then I got up and did a load of laundry, because I hadnt washed any of MY clothes in almost three weeks.

I did a load of my laundry because I decided that I would be much more comfortable in the mental hospital if I had a bag of freshly washed clothes with me.

All of this is true and yes, I was 100% convinced that I would be admitted to the mental hospital before night fall last night.

Somehow I wasnt.

I just felt the need to say that. Here. Now.

I dont know why.

Good thing I still have some clean clothes.

Just. In. Case.

.. Because I Love Him .. regardless

My Brother

(I know)

As they say at the Casino "and the Lady gets paid"

So certain someones (read:APOM) are all in a tizzy ..
because when this is thru, they'll be all dizzy ..
from writing those checks made out to Madness ..
Badness.

the coldest story ever told

Ive pleaded with you till Im blue in the face.
Im begging and pleading for you to hear my case.
Put it all down and take my hand.
Put it all down and make this stand.

Youre spending so much time and so much energy
trying to convince me that *I* am the one so ready
to call it all off .. to run away ..

You keep saying that you dont want to lose me
At this point all youve done is convince me
that youre the one who cant move past what you see in me.

I cant take your doubt of my heart
I cant take your falling apart
This is my last chance
My one final stand
Take me by the hand
Or just lose your gold band.

pieces

So far, everyone we meet ... falls in heaps at our feet.

at your foot or mine ...they each need their piece.

Youve come here in search of that which you've festered

youve come here and found ... what youve been after.

Who is my audience? ... Me

Because I am my audience .. until I hit the button.

Because I cant be driven away .. here is what I have to say
I have no heart .. I took your soul
I gave you life ... five in a row.

You call out my crazy and they can see your Madness
After sixteen years .. you'd think we'd have had it.

Im begging you not to throw it all in ...
Youre begging me .. to reveal your own sin.






They dont know what we've been through
They dont know about me and you.

Madness

Im gonna bet you can learn a LOT about me without me saying much and just posting certain video instead .. lets see what we come up with.

Sarah Silverman, Benicio DelToro, Ryan Phillipe ... this scene is just freaking hilarious to me. The first time I saw it I couldnt stop laughing and had to rewind it over and over. Its sick .. I know, but its hilarious to me.

The best part about this scene is when Tim Roth spews vomit the instant he sees the dead whore ... that and when Antonio Banderas opens the door and all he says is "Did they misbehave?"

Ohhhh I am sick and a little twistie.